Harry Potter Fanfiction: Holiday On The Farm

The five weary wizards trudged in single file through the forest, Luna was at the head of the little procession followed closely by Draco then Harry. Hermione was next and Ron brought up the rear. Ron didn't mind though as he had the best view in the house... in his opinion anyway. Hermione's ass swayed enticingly ahead of him whilst her long hair - today braided - brushed back and forth over her thighs. Yep definitely the best view in the house.
After Voldemort had been defeated, the ministery, now led by Kingsley Shacklebolt, decided to give fife of the most petrified students a free trip to replenish there energy that they wasted in these fearful months. Of course, Harry, Ron and Hermione who were the main actors in defeating Voldemort were the first ones chosen. Then there was Luna Lovegood, captured for months in the mansion of the Malfoys on Voldemorts order. And last, but not least (or maybe least^^), Draco Malfoy who was near Voldemort for many months and had to do what the villain told him, fearing that otherwise he would kill his family.
The track finally came to an end and the wizards *punch from Hermione* AND the witches scanned the darkened area around them for any signs of the enemy. They weren't expecting any - of course not, Voldemort´s dead, dummies! - but it always paid to be careful. None were seen so they began their walk once more towards the large dark shape of the house ahead of them. Luna opened the door and the weary five tramped inside. Luna tried to flick on the light switch but was stopped by Harry.
"No lights. Not until we know for certain that we are safe here."
"Geeze, Harry. Lighten up a little will ya? It's a safe house for crying out loud!" Ron whined. He was tired; hell they were all tired! They had been on adventure after adventure in search of horcruxes without a break for the past year and the Wizards *growling and slighty irritated Hermione* ... errr... and witches were beginning to feel the strain.
"The ministery wouldn't have given us the coordinates if they thought we were in any immediate danger, Harry," sighed Hermione.
"Hn. I'll set a temporary security warning system up anyway. In the morning we can set up whatever equipment is necessary."
"You can do whatever ya want, Harry man. I'm hitting the sack," Ron responded as he swayed lightly on his feet. "Which way to the beds, Hermione?"
"Up the stairs, Ron, take any room you like," replied Hermione.
"Thanks." Ron shouldered his bag and set off through the gloom towards the stairs. "I'll leave the door open for you, Hermione," he mumbled.
Hermione followed Ron. "I shall also retire. Good evening."
"Night, Hermione." Luna turned to Draco and tugged at his hand. "C'mon, Draco, I think you should get some sleep as well; if Harry is that desperate he can rig up his little toys without us."
"......."
Draco followed Luna up the stairs and into one of the many rooms. Harry finished rigging up his little security devices before shouldering his own pack and going in search of his bed.
~ * ~
Morning broke tentatively across the sky, bathing the slumbering earth with her warm glow and coaxing nature to life. Inside the large house the five exhausted wi... magicians slept on.
"Cock a doodle do!" The large brown rooster (Hahn) fluffed his feathers importantly and greeted the morning rays.
"Cock a doodle doooooo!"
"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Ron from underneath a pile of blankets.
"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"
"Aggghhhhh!" Ron pulled the pillow over his head.
"Cock a doodle dooooo!"
,,AVADA KEDAVRA!!!"
*Squarkkkkk........ Thud*
"Better?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Hermione."
~ * ~
Two hours later, the five sleepy wi... NO, PUT THAT WAND AWAY, HERMIONE!!!... magicians met in the kitchen for breakfast.
"What the hell was that screeching noise this morning?" asked Ron as he shuffled over to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup. "Don't tell me Lavender has found us already."
"I think it is normally called a rooster," replied Harry.
"A what?"
"A rooster."
"Well it's a dead duck now thanks to Hermione."
"Does that mean we're having chicken for tea then?" Luna asked in all innocence.
"Yanno, that reminds me of a joke." Ron continued on, ignoring Luna. "What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?"
Harry groaned.
"The rooster says Cock a doodle do and the prostitute says any cock will..."
"RONALD WEASLY!!!"
"Sorry, Hermione." Ron snickered. "So, this vacation... Just where the hell are we and what are we supposed to do?"
"It's a farm from what I can tell," Harry responded.
"No shit, Sherlock."
"The ministery thought it would be good for us to have a vacation on the farm." Luna beamed. "I think it could be fun."
Draco sighed.
"So where are all the farm workers then?" Harry asked.
"Oh them. Errr.... they are on a vacation in the city. It's up to us to take care of the farm while they're gone."
"Luna, have you any idea what is involved in running a farm?" Ron shook his head.
"Well... not exactly, but surely it can't be that hard. I mean, it's just a case of taking care of the livestock and Draco is really good with animals, aren't you, Draco?"
"....."
"I hope you know what you're getting into here, Luna," Ron moaned. "I mean, a farm? I thought this was supposed to be a vacation, you know... rest, relax, soak up the sun. Not run around after a bunch of animals."
"It couldn't be any worse than running around after you." Hermione couldn't help the jibe.
Ron folded his arms across his chest and glared. "To quote the old classic, Hermione... I am not an animal.... I am a man!"
"Now that is a very debatable point, I thought you were a boy, a child even. God knows you act it often enough.", Harry said
"I resent that, Harry. I may only be seventeen years in age but the rest of me is well advanced. Just ask Hermione." Ron winked.
"Hm... No complaints here.", Hermione said.
Luna thought it best to intervene now. "So, guys, are we up to it or not?"
"I, for one, am not about to turn down a challenge." Harry stood and placed his cup in the sink.
"Mission accepted," replied Hermione.
"....."
All eyes turned to Ron. "Okay, Okay, I give up... I'm in."
~ * ~
"Okay, so what's the plan?" Ron said as the five magicians met out in the farm yard dressed in an assorted range of apparel.
"Let's see." Luna held up a note book. "I got a message last night from the ministery saying there was a book left for us with all the basic things we need to do written inside."
The four magicians all crowded around Luna and peered over her shoulder.
"Milking the cows... Now there's a job we can do, right, Hermione?" Ron grinned. "I've always wanted to milk a cow."
"Moving the sheep from the upper pasture to the lower one. I can do that," Harry spoke.
"......."
"I think the chickens would be happy if you looked after them, Draco," Luna responded to the quiet teen.
Ron rolled his eyes. "What else is on there?" He grabbed the book from Luna's grasp. "Let's see... Hmmmm. Carting the hay, tending the vegetable patch, feeding the pigs...."
"No thanks."
"Huh?" Harry looked up at Luna.
"I refuse to look after pigs."
"Oh... Why?" Harry's curiosity was getting the better of him.
"It's against my religion."
Ron scratched his head. "Whadd'ya mean against your religion? That's a lame excuse if I ever heard one. Be honest, Lu, you just don't fancy the idea of pigs and the mess they can make."
"We have been sharing with you, Ron, so I think that a few pigs is a piece of cake in comparison." Hermione looked smug.
Ron whirled around, one of his hands whipping against Draco as he did so and causing the tall teen to yelp. "Oops", then focusing his attention back to the ginger haired teen he put his hands on his hips and glared. "Are you saying I'm a pig, Hermione?"
"If the cap fits, Ron."
"Luna is a Muslim. It is against her religion to associate with pork."
Four sets of eyes swiveled and stared at Draco who promptly disappeared behind his bangs.
"You spoke. You actually formed words and made a sentence." Ron made to swoon.
"Iiodt!" Hermione stated as he caught the falling wizard.
Ron grinned.
"Look guys, the day is getting on, I suggest we get started on these chores or else we will be here for ages," said Luna as she tried diplomatically to steer the attention away from Draco.
"Yeah, I guess we should."
A loud moo from the paddock gate agreed with them.
"Okay then, let's get this show on the road," Ron chirped. "Coming, Hermione?"
The five pilots moved off to start their various selected jobs.
~ * ~
Draco and Luna headed across the yard to the large barn where a section in the corner of the barn was stocked with the various feed stuffs for the livestock.
Luna picked up a bucket while Draco rifled through the sacks until he found the one with the pellets for the chickens. They filled the bucket half full and grabbing a small basket from an overhanging peg, left for the chicken house.
Crossing the yard, Luna noticed a small bundle of feathers; she immediately side tracked to investigate. Draco followed.
Luna bent and picked up the bundle and looked at it. "Wow! Hermione certainly is at aiming curses," she said quietly as she stared at the neat hole that appeared between the rooster's eyes. "Shame to waste it though."
Draco began to back away.
"Draco.... What do you think about a nice roast chicken dinner tonight?"
"You want it, then you clean it," Draco replied.
Luna looked at the rooster dangling in her hand. "It can't be that hard to do."
"Have fun with your plucking and drawing, I'm going to collect the eggs." Draco turned and walked away with a purpose.
Luna watched his retreat. "Oh well, let's get you ready for the table then," she said to the chook in her grasp and headed back towards the farmhouse.
The chickens were busy scratching and pecking around the yard of their coop completely oblivious to the fate of their fearless leader. Hearing the rattle of the bucket as it approached they ceased their hunt for food and ran to the wire of the coop. They looked up, and immediately fell silent.
The hens weren't too sure just what it was that was walking across the yard. Whether it was human or fowl. The long bangs flopped over the face concealing both eyes, kind of like a comb that had become too heavy to support its own weight.
The hens stared.
Draco approached the coop and frowned. It was unusual for hens to be quiet. He looked at the group of feathered bodies lined up against the wire and reached for the door. He went in, making sure to latch the door firmly behind him.
The hens watched in lust.
Still frowning to himself he rattled the bucket and began to scatter the pellets around. "Here you go girls," he said quietly. "If you're hungry come and get it."
One of the hens fainted.
Draco's eyes widened. He hadn't heard of a chicken fainting before. Concerned, he bent down by the prone bundle and ran a hand lightly over the feathers.
The hen shivered.
The rest of the chickens crowded around, checking out the newcomer, all thoughts of their fearless leader gone from their tiny chicken brains as they drooled over the new 'rooster'.
Feeling a heartbeat and seeing the steady rise and fall of feathers, Draco knew the hen was okay. He stood and picked up the basket; he was puzzled at the hens behavior though. Chickens were usually noisy creatures and not prone to passing out. With a shrug of his shoulders he went over to the small hen house to collect the eggs.
The chickens clucked quietly amongst themselves as they watched the tall teen disappear inside their house. The unconscious chook slowly started to come around.
Draco made his way along the row of nesting boxes and picked up the eggs he found there. Placing them in the basket he was a little disappointed at the number of eggs he'd collected. He went back outside to where the hens were still silently assembled. He noticed them staring in his direction and the bundle of feathers that was beginning to stir. He looked at the basket and back to the chickens.
"Considering the number of hens we have here the egg production is slightly lacking," he said quietly as he glanced around the group.
The hens hung their heads sheepishly.
"Let's see if you can improve on that, shall we?"
The hens clucked in agreement.
"Good." Draco moved over to where the hen that had fainted was beginning to stand up and shake its head groggily. The chicken looked up at Draco. Draco reached out and ran his hand over the soft feathers again.
The chicken promptly fainted once more.
Draco shrugged his shoulders and stood. He turned and exited the chicken coop, shutting the door firmly. The chickens had all followed him, adoration showing in their little faces.
"I'll be back later to check on the egg situation," he said softly and then went back to the farmhouse.
The chickens began to cackle excitedly amongst themselves as they raced for the nesting boxes, the sudden urge to pass eggs overwhelming them.
~ * ~
Luna stepped inside the kitchen. "Just how hard can it be to pluck and draw a chicken?" she said to himself. She dropped the rooster on the table and went through to the small scullery adjoining the kitchen. Inside there was a machine that looked something like a steamer. Luna vaguely remembered something about steam loosening feathers and making them easier to remove. She washed her hands and fetched the corpse. Lifting the lid on the machine she filled the base pan with water and replaced it. She dropped the rack over the top and placed the chicken on the rack. Popping the lid on top she flicked the switch and left the steamer to do its work.
Returning to the kitchen she could see Draco in the hen coop and smiled. Draco really had a way with animals she noted, as she observed the chickens following the blonde Slytherin around the pen. Luna decided to go back and give him a hand.
She stepped outside again and slipped the oversized wellington boots on and began to casually stroll across the yard. She didn't see the goose hovering by the duck pond.
The goose was a friendly creature as a rule but had a greedy stomach. Every time it saw a human the word food sprang into its head, and so once it saw Luna he naturally assumed this human would have food. The goose fluffed its feathers and honked...
Loudly.
Luna jumped a mile and spun around. A blur of feathers, beak and noise came bolting at her.
Luna did the only thing she could do.
She ran like hell towards Draco.
Draco looked up as he heard the noise, just in time to see the petite Ravenclaw succumb to the goose. A flurry of arms, legs, wings and feathers indicated Luna's demise and Draco had to hold the chuckle.
The goose honked and hissed as it pecked around Luna's form looking for food.
"Ack, shoo, go away leave me alone!" Luna yelled as she tried to get the goose away from her. "Ow! Get off, go away, shit!" Luna's arms were trying to shield herself from the assault. "Draco! Help me...."
Draco sauntered across and threw a handful of pellets from the bottom of the bucket onto the ground away from Luna. The goose immediately stopped its attack and waddled over to the pellets, pecking at them greedily. Draco bent and hauled Luna to her feet.
"Thanks," Luna said as she dusted herself off. "For a moment there I thought I was a goner."
Draco laughed. "I can't see how a tough, fearless witch could be beaten by a goose."
"Better hope then that the Death Eaters don't find out about the predatory qualities of the goose or else ours is cooked," retorted Luna.
"It's a well known fact that geese are better than watch dogs."
"Really? Well I for one can stand testimony to that fact," Luna huffed.
"All it wanted was some food, Luna."
"That might well be, but I'm not on the menu."
Draco leaned forwards and brushed a smudge of dirt from the tip of Luna's nose. "Oh? I was hoping to snack on you later."
Luna melted. "Well, maybe I could make an allowance just for you."
"Mmmm...." Draco nuzzled Luna's neck before ghosting his lips across the sweet ones offered to him. "I think I would like a rack of Luna... Raw."
Luna shivered and then cried out. Whirling around she saw the reason for her sudden pain. At first she thought Draco had pinched her rear but her eyes told her otherwise.... The goose was back. "Shit! Gotta go, Draco." Luna took off at a run back to the farm house.
Draco and the goose watched her go. Draco turned to the goose who looked back hopeful. "I guess she prefers me touching her rear to you."
The goose just honked.
"Okay, I have more food for you." Draco tossed some more pellets around before taking the bucket back to the barn.
~ * ~
Harry wandered off in the direction of the kennels. If he was to check the sheep and move them to another paddock he would need the assistance of one of the sheep dogs. The range of mutts on display did nothing to boost his confidence.
He cast his eye warily over the offered canines. They were a mixed bunch. He finally settled on the black and white long haired border collie. The fact that it was the only dog that didn't cringe or run away when he approached had nothing to do with his decision. He reached down and ruffled the dog's ears. He felt for the collar and looked at the name tag. "Humpty," he said out loud.
The dog looked at him with big puppy eyes.
"I wonder why they gave you that name?" Harry motioned for the dog to follow him.
The walk through the paddocks was calming, the light breeze blew Harry's hair about his face. The dog trotted silently at his heels, nose almost touching Harry's leg. Harry found it a little unnerving.
He paused at the top of the hill and let his eyes wander over the paddock below. The tiny white forms dotted the landscape, an air of peace abounded... only to be broken by Harry's sudden yelp of surprise.
Harry looked down as he felt something grab his leg, immediately his body was on alert, ready to run or fight.
The dog watched Harry intently and seeing his moment... sprang into action.
Harry looked down at the dog that was now firmly attached to his right leg and humping it furiously. "GOD!!!" he yelled and shook his leg trying to dislodge the furry beast, but the dog would not let go.
Harry reached down and grabbed the animal by the scruff of the neck and tried to pull it off his leg but it was as if the animal was super glued. It simply would not be removed.
The dog's forepaws wrapped tightly around the limb and Humpty hung on for dear life, his hind end thrusting repeatedly into the warm softness of Harry's pants. He felt the human try to dislodge him and gripped even tighter. Humpty had no idea why he had such a fetish for the human leg; all he knew was that he had to ravish one whenever he saw it. But not just any leg.
No.
It had to be special. Muscular, warm, and with a scent to it that drove Humpty's hormones wild. Exactly like the leg he was busy paying his affections to right now. Humpty's eyes began to glaze over as his pelvis strained for the last time. With a contented 'wuff', he added to the whiteness of Harry's trouser leg before toppling over and lying prone in the grass.
Harry looked down and shook his leg. "Ohh, Yuck!"
~ * ~
Ron looked at the cows milling around the paddock gate waiting to be milked. "I always wanted to live on a real farm, Hermione. Not like our wannabe-farm."
"Hn. Can't think why," came the stilted reply.
"Huh?" Ron turned his gaze to his lover.
"I don't mind the animals...."
Ron tried desperately to hold his laughter as Hermione gingerly stepped around a cow pat. "Awww c'mon, Hermione, you got your boots on, a little cow shit ain't gonna kill you."
Hermione wrinkled up her nose. "Let's get the beasts into the milking shed."
"Okay, Hermy-baby." Ron went to open the gate.
The cows filed methodically through and headed for the milking shed, Hermione and Ron bringing up the rear. "Easy ain't it?" Ron professed.
"Hn."
"Hey, Hermione, why don't you get started and I'll let Luna know, 'cause she mentioned she was interested in learning how to milk."
"Okay." Hermione followed the cows into the shed while Ron took off across the farmyard to get Luna.
~ * ~
Luna, having recovered from her attack by mother goose, was back in the kitchen wrestling with the rooster. The steamer had worked.... too well, so Luna discovered. Not only were the feathers ready to drop out but the flesh was starting to cook as well. Luna scratched her head. "Maybe I should have just plunged it into boiling water," she said to the dripping mess. "Oh well, better get on with it."
Luna lay the chook on the table and began to pull the feathers from the skin. Most came out easily and it wasn't long before the chicken was nearly bald. Picking out the last few stubborn feathers Luna looked up to see Draco standing in the doorway.
"I'm going to feed the pigs and then see what's in the vegetable patch."
"Okay. Errr... Draco?"
"Yes?"
"What else was it I had to do to this chicken besides pluck it?"
"You have to draw it."
"Huh? How can drawing a picture of it aid the final result? Besides, I don't think I have a quill." Luna looked rather puzzled.
"Not draw as in a picture... Draw as in remove the insides."
"Oh. How do I do that?" Luna's face began to screw up a little at that thought.
"Well you... Ummm.... You put your hand up its.... errr.... Stick your hand inside and pull the stuff out."
"Where do I stick my hand?"
"Ummmm...." Draco blushed a little. "You stick your hand up its rear end and remove everything that way." Draco abruptly left leaving a wide eyed and open mouthed Luna staring after him.
I stick my hand up its rear? Eww, that's just gross, Luna thought.
"But you like putting your fingers up Draco's rear and he yours," her subconscious reminded him.
Yeah well that's different, she argued back.
"Is it?"
It's just my fingers and I don't pull his insides out when I do it, returned Luna smugly as she slowly began to insert his hand up the chicken's rear. "You know, this gives a whole new meaning to the word fisting," she mused.
Ron chose that moment to walk in. "What gives a whole new meaning to the word fisting, Lu?" Ron's eyes went wide and his face turned green as he took in the sight of Luna sitting at the table surrounded by feathers with his.... was that her hand... up a chicken's ass?
His hand flew to his mouth. "Oh my god, Luna, I knew you had a kinky streak in you but don't you think that necrophilia is taking it a bit far?"
"It's not what you think, Ron...." spluttered Luna.
"Sure, sure, buddy..." Ron felt his breakfast beginning to make a return journey.
"Really... it isn't. I was just getting the chicken ready for tea, that's all." Luna's face was turning a lovely shade of red as her hands emphasized her point... only problem was the chicken was still attached to one of those hands.
"Errr... whatever you say, Lu. I came to tell you that Hermione and I have got the cows into the barn if you wanted to come and try milking but I guess you're occupied with more pleasurable things," Ron snickered as he began his retreat before his stomach could insist on expelling its contents.
"Yeah, sure. I'll wander over in a minute... once I get this chook done." Luna took a firm hold of the carcass and pulled hard to extradite her hand from within. Her hand slipped out, along with most of the chicken's entrails.
Ron's eyes went wide and he spun around, knocking over the chair in his haste to leave. "I did *not* need to see that!" he muttered under his breath as he scrambled through the door and back across the yard in the direction of the cow shed and safety.
Luna looked at the slippery mess in her hand. One word sprang to mind.
Actually it was two words....
"Oh fuck!"